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| Blogs > rm_smosmof2 > Echoes from the sand pit |
Roving Supplemental, and the Tone Scale
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Roving Supplemental, and the Tone Scale 9/11/06 Saleen--00:00 to 04:00 a cherry job. It was a couple of blocks away from Toshiba, and I got to look over a parking lot full at rental equipment that they didn't want to disappear before it would be loaded up into trucks and taken away. Four easy hours. These entries are actually useful. I didn't get paid for the last gig I did outside of Toshiba, three weeks ago.. at least I have an easily accessible record of when it was..... I had one of those .... wadda you call 'em, epiphanies, tonight. There are a number of things I suddenly understand much more clearly. 1) I understand what xgf really wanted from me 2) I understand why I've been ranting so much lately 3) I have an idea that I upset somebody here that I care about (again)... I'm beginning to think I have a curse that I keep finding a way to push everybody's buttons and send them running away from me, or pretending that I have ceased to exist....it's now four in a row.... ============================================================ First, a bit o background on xgf. She graduated college in the mid eighties, cum laude, with a degree in Sociology. She immediately found out that a sociology degree isn't good for much. She wanted to go back and get a hard science degree, like chemistry or biology... but her father had supported her through one degree, and he felt that he had done his job, and he was disinclined to support her through another... (or at least this is how she sees it) So instead of finding a job, she gets married, and she and her husband are going to make their fortune selling Amway. But husband was a loser, and couldn't play things the Amway way, and he stopped paying physical attention to her (by the time I'd met her, she'd convinced herself that he was gay). So after after a couple of years of marriage, and a five year relationship, she leaves him. and ends up with the guy who's been obsessing over her for years. She divorces husband number one, is disowned by her father, and moves in with the new/old boyfriend and his parents. within short order, she marries him. bad move. husband #2 is a bipolar loser who can't keep a job. She finds work as a secretary at a well known entertainment company, and is their primary source of income until he finally finds a job that sticks. But they fight constantly, and have these intense screaming arguments (as I learned, this turns out to be as much her as it is him.... I've never known anyone else who reacted to the concept of "I disagree" by becoming immediately and completely hysterical). and he's been string her along for years, telling her that they'll be out of debt in a year, and then they can start saving up for their "castle in the woods". And he's going to become a helicopter pilot and own a dojo, and, and, and.......and after a while, this woman who "sacrificed her life" to this man so that he could be happy, discovers that even though he has her, he's never going to be happy. She gets a part time job with the research department at the L.A. Zoo. The pay is better per hour than being a secretary, but there is only a limited number of hours a week. and there are no benefits... but this is much closer to the scientific career that she'd wanted. she works both zoo and secretary for a while, and then quits the secretary job (which she hated anyway--too many politics) so she can continue observing animals and going back to school, taking math classes so she can take the hard science classes she wants..... Then she meets me. More mature, has been at the job where I am for 14 years, and intensely sexual and as miserable in my marriage as she is in hers... I've mentioned before that she's co-dependent. It suddenly became clear to me tonight that she wanted me to be the "daddy" and take over paying the bills and support her while she went back to college and got the B.S. she wanted and then went on and got her PhD.....and in return for this, she would mold her life around mine, and do everything for me.....this was never going to happen.... Even though I'd left the wife, I couldn't bring myself to take the house away from her, so I not only let her keep it, I kept making payments on it... right up until last November, when I completely ran out of resources. And I may have been doing ok, financially, but no way could I afford to support two households. And I didn't want to get married again... one major mistake was enough for me... And I really didn't want her to make her life all about me... I wanted her to figure out who she wanted to be and then become it. If you asked her about it, I don't know that she'd admit to any of the above... giving up her life to totally support the man of her choice was just the way she was.... and I don't think she'll ever understand what exactly she wanted me to be... for years, she compulsively told me whatever she thought I wanted to hear....now, she wasn't lying, she just works that way.... that's how co-dependent she is. But underneath it all she resented that things weren't the way she wanted..... Eventual result--Boom! ============================================================ In est, thirty-some years ago, I was introduced to the concept of the tone scale-- the idea is that there is a sliding numerical scale where one can measure their emotional state, with 10 being a fully assured, confident, happy, fulfilled person with accomplishable goals who molds the world to their will, and 1 being comatose.... somewhere in between was depression at about 4, and anger at 5, and partially assured, but not quite complete at 7 or 8... that's the rough idea anyway... now the interesting thing about this concept is that people cannot communicate if they are too far apart on the tone scale... someone who is angry can communicate with someone who's depressed (because they're close together on the scale), but not someone who's way higher on the scale... anyway, what this is all about is that as I emerge from depression, I get to anger... everything sets me off... idiots that I work with, women who complain that they can't find a good man, but are only looking for someone younger than themselves (grrrrrr!).... the Bush administration (I admit that 9/11 is a real hot button for me... I think that the country is under control of reallllllly evil people right now.. I think our president has sold us out, and consistently lied to us about it, and many of us have eaten the lies and come back asking for more) anyway, all of this rage coming out is just a byproduct of my climb up the scale... I should try to look it up somewhere to determine what might be next, if I get there....... ========================================================= On the third one, I just need to see if I can get a private conversation going, if I haven't already self-immolated again.....I could, after all, be wrong about this, but I doubt it.. the coincidence factor is way too high...  |
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9/11/2006 11:31 am |
Wow!! REALLY interesting post. You've obviously been ruminating on a subconcious level and finally gotten some clarity. We should all be so lucky. Although, in the end, I'm not all that sure what the clarity brings with it, in the effort of helping the current. I think both of these points is extremely thought provoking. Thank you sincerely for sharing. I'll be thinking about this for a while. 
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9/11/2006 1:02 pm |
That's a really interesting concept Smo, I'm not sure I agree with the communication between levels, haven't found example of it in my life, but what do I know? I hope your progression up the scale continues and you find your comfortable level           
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9/12/2006 3:37 am |
nice job..love those moments in life when things become clear...so much easier to march onwards when we have some small clue where to begin..
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Hi there, I can see you are in pain from your posts to your own blog, but than you came over to my blog and attmepted to make me feel better by sharing your thoughts. That you would do that for me, a stranger to you, is amazing and very thoughtful. Many thanks and I hope both our tomorrow's are better ones, Anastasia666 I done made the devil a deal He made me pretty He made me smart 
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9/14/2006 11:38 am |
you aint pushed me away, and i doubt you will.....sometimes you gotta let it out, hell, i sure do.
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